Sometimes that doubt monster sneaks up on us just when we think we’ve gotten it all ‘figured out’. Sometimes it’s an old thought that surfaces, barely even conscious of it passing through our psyche, disrupting the peace we’ve worked so hard to attain. Sometimes that doubt is an invitation to go deeper, to surrender more, to integrate our shadows more. And sometimes we just need a reminder that ‘yes the f*ck you can’...
As I have been making many transitions towards an even more aligned life after feeling pretty ungrounded for all of 2023, I have found myself going back to the practices that brought me the strength, courage, trust, and skills to leave my ‘old’ life in 2020. When I realized the parallels between how I felt then and how I was feeling this year, it really opened my eyes and I realized that I was being invited back to myself, yet again. Funny how we can stray without even realizing it sometimes…no matter who you are.
I realized that in my old relationship, I felt like I was invisible, with no power, no influence over the trajectory of my life, in a state of constant giving without reciprocation, particularly on an emotional level. Every day felt exactly the same and I knew that if I didn’t find the courage to leave after 13 years, then nothing would change, and to be blunt, I was unsure if I could even live this life anymore if that were the case.
I got my butt to therapy when I realized that and ramped up all of the modalities that had been growing my spirit all of these years as I tried to make the best of a very sad situation. I spent copious time in nature just walking and letting the animals and the trees give me signs, letting me know that I was on the right path. I made sure I only listened to things that would inspire me, ground me, or make me laugh. I don’t remember how I approached my nutrition quite honestly, it was very hard to care about eating anything with real intention…I just did the best I could. I did stay on top of my supplements though because I have found over the years that regardless of how many I may have to take for good health with residual Lyme disease, that I’m just WAY better off when I take them, so I’d better do it. I prayed. I surrendered. I prayed again. I cried. I planned my exit. I daydreamed. I feared my broken heart would never heal. I had literal chest pains from years of sadness and neglect. The doubt monster took hold on an hourly basis. I surrendered to the possible reality that I may never find my way out.
There are definitely a handful of books and authors that I consider part of my spiritual team…their works have gotten me through the darkest moments and given me a greater understanding of what the true meaning of life is about. Tosha Silver, though, is top of my list. Her book ‘Outrageous Openness’ quite literally saved me years before when I found myself bound by grief of the life and opportunities I had perceived that I had lost from barely functioning with Lyme Disease for over a decade, and from living in this sad and lonely relationship prison. I tried controlling EVERYTHING as a means to right the ship of my life. It just left me crashing against the shores of broken dreams even more and feeling like there was no hope. Her book transformed me; teaching me how to let go…to surrender and connect with the Divine force of love that is who we actually are at our core. My life began to transform and although I continually forget to do this in various chapters of my life (yay being a human!)…I always come back to my devotional practice of offering…offering the doubt…offering the sadness…offering my true purpose to the force of love.
So today, in case the doubt monster has taken hold, I leave you with a few quotes from Tosha Silver’s work (she has several incredible books) as an offering from my heart to yours in hopes that it helps whomever it needs.
May you be happy, may you be healthy, and may you feel peace.